The other day we were hanging out in front of Hastings when a guy in a purple and green van came by with a bullhorn, shouting:

Vote for Grasshopper! I'll legalize weed and prostitution! I'll tax it and make it safe! We need to get some women on these streets!

We all laughed at him, which he saw, and said, "Even those law students agree with me!" Not so much, Grasshopper.

SIDE NOTES: (1) Is that a scrunchie in his hair? (2) Why is the guy to the left holding that picture in front of himself?

Anyhow, today was election day. As I was making my decisions in the voting booth, I found his candidate statement. Needless to say, it was pretty amusing:

GRASSHOPPER ALEC KAPLAN

My occupation is Vegan Taxicab Driver.

My qualifications are:

Born – Moscow, Russia; English – third but only language. Grasshopper: Vegan, Bay swimmer, owner Grasshopper Taxicab. Lifelong musician; guitarist, singer/songwriter. Compassionate, tolerant, supportive, loving. 13 years here residentially challenged.

To Impeach Is Patriotic. Promote swift removal: Bush, Cheney, Gonzales; Repeal illegal war criminal “unilateral executive” policies.

Locally, most important challenge – providing affordable housing. If you work here, you gotta be able to live here, so you can come back to work the next day fresh. Strengthen eviction protection. Legalize alternative housing situations, like commercially-zoned buildings, where many allready live.

Legalize everything. Legalize prostitution and sex work; make it SAFE. Make everyone happy. No problems, only solutions. Legalize cannabis; greens for peaceful purposes. Fund schools, hospitals, parks, roads.

Separate paths for bicycles. Convert Muni into world-class public transit system. Downtown assessment district funding free Muni for residents.

Total amnesty for all non-citizens; people ain't illegal. Let's celebrate our hardworking labor force while treasuring, protecting cultural diversity, encouraging hope, mercy.

Restore festival, carnival atmosphere; musicians, Artists, fun, love. Remember to smile, laugh, celebrate our wonderful existence, our fabulous planet; create / make Grassland model – beacon of mutual understanding, hope. Gratefully,

Grasshopper Alec Kaplan

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